You Can’t Be a Martyr and Happy at the Same Time

I’d like to ask a question and I’d like to know what you think. If the following scenario were a real part of your life and a trusted confidante or even a professional said the statement below to you, how many of you wouldn’t even think twice about following their advice?

Your teenage or young adult daughter or son is struggling. It’s nothing life-threatening, but they’re lost in life. You can see that they don’t know what direction to take, they’re confused, their relationships are suffering, they’re making decisions that aren’t in their best good, and frankly, they’re sad. They’re unhappy in their lives and you’re doing your best to guide them but you know they need help. Your best friend, or their best friend, or a trusted professional says the following statement to you:

“You know, it just seems like they could use some support. They could use someone to help them get to the root of what’s going on, figure some things out, and get pointed in a direction that makes them excited. You should find someone to help them do that.”

It’s your child. They need help and you can help them. So my questions are:

—Based on the scenario above, do you believe your kid needs help?

—Do you believe they could benefit from support outside of you/your family?

—If you answered yes, would you seek out the help they need?

—Assuming those services cost money and your child couldn’t pay for them, would you pay for them?

Here’s my final question: With the assumption that your answer was ‘yes’ to all of the questions above, what would your answers be if the person in the scenario above…

…was you?

See, this is what I’m running into. So many folks I talk to tell me how they’d give their left arm to have a life coach in their lives but when they talk about pulling the trigger, I hear this:

“As much as I want some real support and guidance, and as much as I KNOW it would change my life, I feel guilty spending the money. James is in college, Sarah is about to get married, and Jake wants to put more savings into retirement. I just can’t justify it.”

Yet, you’re struggling. You feel as though something is missing in your life and you can’t put your finger on it. You’re restless and all you want is to know what’s wrong, how to fix it, and figure out a roadmap that will make you feel good again. Your kids see that you’re unhappy. Your mate either doesn’t even notice, which is part of the problem, or they do and it makes you feel like you have to hide it. You don’t know what to do about it anymore.

Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?

Here is a second scenario for you to consider:

Sarah got married and the wedding was beautiful. It’s now 15 years later and they’re 2 kids in with a lovely house and all the fixings that come with a picturesque Americana life. However, you’ve noticed over the last year that Sarah seems different. She’s not her sparky self and she doesn’t really laugh anymore. She talks about her job in a way that you know she’s not happy with the work anymore and you’ve noticed distance between her and your daughter/son-in-law. The kids even seem to tiptoe around her a little. You’re concerned. You take her out to lunch.

You say: “I see that you’re struggling. What’s going on?”

Sarah says: “I feel like something is missing but I can’t put my finger on it. The kids are great. My marriage is fine. The house is still standing but I’m unhappy and I don’t know why. I’m confused and restless. I just want to figure it out, fix it, and move on. Everyone sees it and even the kids stay away from me lately. It’s awful.”

You say: “Sarah, get some help! You don’t sound depressed, you sound as if you’re a little lost. Hire someone and get some support. You won’t regret it.”

Sarah says: “Yeah well, Maggie is about to start that new program, which is pricey, and Samuel needs a tutor. It also looks like that promotion isn’t coming through and things are going to be a little tight. I can’t justify it.”

Ohhhh snap. See what I just did there?

Tell me how MADDENING it would be to see your daughter struggling, know full well she could get the help she needed AND afford it if she would just make herself a priority. What’s even more frustrating to you is that you know that Sarah isn’t doing anyone any favors by thinking she’s doing her family good by not prioritizing her happiness. If she stays on the current path she’s on, you know it’s not going to end well. The thought of watching your daughter continue spiraling into an unfulfilled half-life is enough to drive you insane. You’d do anything to change this.

So, please tell me why this change is so important, such a priority, and enough to drive you to insanity for Sarah…

…but not for yourself?

Quit living in martyrdom. It serves no one, least of all you and it affects everyone around you that you love and have convinced yourself you’re serving by not helping yourself. You get no prize, no award, no reward, and no embroidered letter on your sweater identifying you as a person who gave up everything for everyone else at the expense of your own happiness. Don’t believe me? Ask your loved ones how they feel about your current life, their state of happiness and connection with you, and what they wish would change and why. Get the popcorn out; you might be surprised by their answers.

You want your loved ones to live a life of unabashed joy and glee. They want the same for you. One of those desires does not and never has superseded the other. Quit kidding yourself.

Pull the trigger. Period.